Beyond Thirty

After a woman crosses the mark of thirty, complexities of life become even more complex. She tends to look for marriage in every relationship unlike the twenties when all she thinks about is if he meets her ideal fantasy man, If he gets all in "the list"  of the must have things/qualities.

But deep within...
What nobody knows about the life of the thirties is the depth of loneliness they can sink to sometimes, let alone the many times she thinks of having a family and the many more times she ponders on the decision to either break the boundaries of stereotype and "go it alone" (having a baby without necessarily being with a partner) or just wait for "Mr. Right" as time continue to wear away the famous clock in the history of biology.

At this point she contemplate "if the man does not show up, may be she would just find a way to have a child she wants so bad by herself".  But the problem then becomes, "well I can't possibly impregnate myself, should I get someone to sleep with at a perfect time just so I can get pregnant? Or go through the expensive process of hospital trips and bills, look for who would be kind enough to donate sperms to me aside the many roller coaster of emotions I pass through while I am at the point of just thinking? "

She might at a point become so consumed with the desire to have a child that she even forget to stop for one moment to consider when the child eventually comes and gets past the moment of being adorable to becoming aware that something does not look right at parents teachers meeting when they consistently turn up alone with no daddy tagging along.

The inevitable truth is the child will begin to feel like an alien adopted from a planet on the verge of extinction, completely missing the fact that, he or she is a deliberate choice made by her to bring him or her to the world and she the parent is the one that needs saving by the miracle that he or she is.

But being somewhat clueless of all the expressions of love she tries her best to show to him or her, the child begins to drift into his or her own oblivion and she is left with an additional problem of taking care of her lingering lonely state and his or her emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. And God help her if she  comes from the part of the world that is highly conservative. It becomes another ball game entirely.

The tugging line of pressure...
Before she even get to that point of 'going it alone decision', she would have endured so many interrogations mostly from people that are not the closest members of her family on why she is still single and choosy of life partners (assuming they keep coming and she keeps turning them down). She should consider herself luckier if she is not taken to any bizarre deliverance session to places other than where God really resides. Or attempts to hook her up with some random people that she has absolutely nothing compatible with from the word hello.

And not forgetting the times that the constant investigations might push her to thinking she needs an urgent solution, so she finds some relationship councillor that she hopes would fix her up and help her find a good relationship but she realise sooner that the councillor who is "very" married wants to council her into a messy triangle that will end up leaving her even more emotionally unstable. (Lord have mercy!).
She takes to her heels and return to her cocoon hoping to figure something out but ends up sinking into deep, lonely depression that leaves her in some state of an emotional self destruct racking ball!

Yay moment...
Some moments of inspiration leads her to the few times when she stand in front of the mirror one fine day and remembers to tell yourself "hey I still got it, I still look good".  She smiles to yourself and make cute faces as she takes the selfies she has forgotten still exist in a while.
Looking at the selfies, she takes a moment and see how beautiful she still is and ask herself  "why does this age tend to inspire more worries than joyful living?"
"What is wrong with me?"
"Why am I still single?"
"Why is it so hard for me to settle down now that I want it so bad?"

These many questions takes her to plugging into memories of broken relationships depending on the number she must have had or tried to have. She thinks to herself, "... maybe I should have just compromise more with A or B, may be it could have led me to the alter".
While she is in that" coulda shoulda woulda land", she rediscover why it all had to end and what led to the endings in the first place and she begins to feel anger rising but thankfully snaps out of the picture before it traps her in its misery.

The bigger picture...
Back to the uncertain realities of the days ahead of her as a single and over thirty woman with an income that can barely keep up with her bills, she ask herself if God still hears when she prays or has decide to shut His ears all together when she cries out for help. She feels angry at Him for not doing apparently anything about her situation and throw so many angry questions at Him hoping to get some sort of reply at some point but gets nothing, which takes the frustration deeper, culminating into an emotional/angry burst of tears and crying that she does not want anyone to hear but still hopes that God hears and sees how much she is dying inside to have this one desire come to pass.

She cries so much mumbling words in a prayer manner that might not even readily make sense. Her eyes get swollen, her nasal cavity gets blocked with mucus triggered by so much crying and she wishes some sleep ferry would just shut her eyes to sleep so she can just get a moment of not having to think about how miserable it all makes her feel.

Eyes on Hill...
Every attempt to stop herrself from crying ends up bringing some more tears. Trying to cheer herrself up with a movie but it turns out the story line is talking about her present situation which makes her even more emotional than she were before the attempt to cheer herself up. In that state she looks left right and centre for some sort of comfort, but sees and hear none at the desired moment.
Going face flat on the floor she realizes no other shelter can shield her from the storm that is ragging before her. So she cries out to God to help her out,  to come lift her up out of the merry clay. She pours out her heart to Him and empties herself before Him to fill her up in her helplessness.

By the time she opens her eyes, she sees that the night has grown older and silent with time spent on the floor. Thankfully sleep crawls in till her face is plastered against the pillow that got some of the rain from her eyes. And she finds herself at the mercy of the land of dreams till a new day breaks. She some how gets the strength to pick herself up with what remains of  her hope and start another day.
Inside may be on the verge of breaking but outside is a solid looking rock protecting the inner tenderness and holding it together still.
This story is still ongoing and an unscripted journey lies ahead...